Jaci, Me, 1996
Looking over my posts from the past really woke me up to something. Mainly, most of them are serious. I know that even with most Christians these days, people want fun and frivolity. It seems many want everything to be an "upper." Sorry, if that is the only thing in life, we've missed the point. Sure, being a "downer" all the time isn't the route to go either. But, let's remember, when reading the Psalms you see King David crying as much as he is praising God. We are in dark times. No doubt about it. I try not to be too maudlin. I know the older I get, I'm kind of become more "sober" in my thinking. I still love to laugh, but even Paul said to watch out for foolish jesting. With that being said, this week has been a tough one.
I haven't been sick in ages. This week a sinus infection has gotten the best of me. The antibiotics don't agree with me and I wonder if the cure is worse than the infection. So, between battling that and hearing bad news this week, just kind of got me down.
My heart went out to my friend Kevin Johnson this week over losing a friend by the name of Tom Rowe. Then, he finds out that his daughter-in-law may have cancer. However at this point I don't know if it's conclusive or not. My heart just went out to him and those involved. Also, two actors died this week. I absolutely loved Ron Silver and his acting. He was only 62 and succumbed to cancer. Then, Natasha Richardson of "Parent Trap" had this freakish accident on a ski slope. She got up from the fall and seemingly was okay. Later, she died. She was only 45.
Last night, I couldn't get all of this out of my thoughts. As I laid in bed I was telling the Lord that I just didn't understand the random things that happen. And like the Psalmist I cried out, "How long Oh Lord, how long?" I went on to tell the Lord "How can you just sit by and watch all of this stuff go on and DO nothing?!" I had to remind myself that "he" is God and I am not. His ways are not my ways. I still have to trust even when my understanding is finite and limited.
Today, I couldn't get the Natasha Richardson thing out of my thoughts. I wanted to be angry. Later though, I was standing over my desk with my hands resting on the surface and I just bent over and was overcome with emotion. I was lamenting for people that I didn't even know! I hate loss! Well, who really likes it? It seems the older we get we keep losing things and people. My sadness came in many degrees. I was thankful for those that know the Lord even though we'll miss them here. However, I was shaken over those that may have not known him. Did Natahsa know the Lord? Really, people, this is serious stuff. Enough of the games we play. I'm talking to myself more than anyone else.
So, today, even though it was the first day of spring, it became cold again. It was warm yesterday. I tried to rid my sadness by taking the back roads to another town to go to a bookstore. I drove a bit too fast, had the Bose System cranked on Don Henley singing, "Long Way From Eden." I wanted to push the thoughts away. It only helped for awhile and the sunny day added to the few minutes of numbing I felt I needed.
Later, back home I finally came to the conclusion that my best response was right there before me. Pray! And pray some more. Jaci Velasquez's song "On My Knees" came to mind. As I listened to the mp3, it reminded me how I need to be on my knees more than ever. This world is going to hell at a rapid speed. Remember, Nero fiddled while Rome burned! Don't get me wrong. Enjoy God's blessings. Thank him for health, family, fun and faith. But, equally, let's look at a world that is dying without hope in God. We have that hope. And right now, my hope is when I'm on my knees remembering my creator. I remember him as much as I did as a youth. And the scriptures teach us to do that. In closing, I'm sorry (in a way) that this post seems so dark. However, someday, God will wipe all the tears from our eyes! We serve a God that is bigger than all of the troubles around us. May God bless you.
On My Knees